How To Lose Your Keys

I’m not talking about “Where’d I put my keys? I can’t find them. Oh, here they are in the refrigerator!” I’m talking about losing your keys the proper way. Because when I do something, I do it right.

Step 1: Don’t use your key to lock your door.
Turn the notch and pull it shut. Don’t deadbolt it with the keys either.¬†Otherwise, you’ll remember if you started the day with them. And we can’t have that now can we?

Step 2: Periodically leave your bag unzipped.
In fact, it’s better if you leave it unzipped at random intervals throughout the day. It will lead to further confusion on where you might have lost your keys. A recipe for delicious disaster.

Step 3: Move around a lot.
And I don’t mean just waving all your limbs around like a crazy person. I mean physically placing yourself in many different locations throughout the day. It’s best to make them varied in both distance and variety.

Step 4: Never check them until you need them.
If you stop to notice their existence at any point throughout the day, you will decrease your chances of key discovery by 50%. Make sure you wait until the absolute last minute to use them.

Step 5: Keep yourself distracted.
Make sure you listen to your iPod on the day of key loss, zone-out often, and socialize at all times! Can you feel the weight of your keys in your bag? Did you even use your bag? You don’t know! You’ve been blissfully enjoying everything but the existence of your keys!!

Step 6: Keep your room messy.
It would be a shame to have spent all this time and energy losing your keys, only to discover them waiting for you in your bedroom. Make sure your room is a disaster zone, so that, if they were there all along, they will be just as impossible to find.

And viola! In 6 easy steps, you will have successfully lost your keys with absolutely no chances of recovery!

Update: Luckily, I found them. They fell out of a parked work vehicle and were turned into the the building’s security office. I high-fived the guard and paraded around the office with joy.

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