The Ideal Intern Schedule
9:10 – Arrive late to work.
9:11 – Greet Secretary 1 with obviously mutual lack of enthusiasm.
9:12 – Sit down and adjust to the idea of being in the office.
9:20 – Realize the appearance of productivity is necessary.
9:21 – Find a project to slowly progress throughout the day. Enough work to make everyone think you’re trying, but not enough to deplete you of any energy whatsoever.
11:30 – Lunch is in 30 minutes. All production stops to think about how nice lunch will be.
12:00 – Engage in status-boosting small talk with Secretary 1 before heading out.
12:10 – Celebrate lunch.
12:35 – Think about going back to work.
12:40 – Arrive back at the office and engage in status-boosting gossip with Secretary 2. Also, take any candy available at reception.
1:00 – Proceed with previous project, while periodically taking “bathroom breaks” and playing games on your phone.
4:00 – Wrap up any work on the computer (e-mails, blogging, etc.)
4:30 – Reconvene with other interns and engage in friendly small talk.
5:00 – Dance home.
– Gretchen, the Grumbling Grad