Let’s face it. Hunching over a computer all day turns you into a pasty white, flimsy-limbed version of yourself. If your most strenuous activity is changing printer ink or picking up the phone, listen up! I’m the drill sergeant that’s going to change your life!
*The following methods have not been tested or proven effective.
1. Paper Weight Curls
You need 2 things here: a paper weight and at least one arm. Good thing you already have the paper weight. Now, let’s work on those spaghetti noodles!
Let your arm fall to your side. Clench the paper weight and curl your forearm upward. Continue until you’ve completed 3 reps of 30, or until you feel the burn. You know what this gets you? BIG GUNS! If you only have one arm, it’ll get you a bazooka. If you have no arms, skip ahead to #4!
2. Paper Weight Extensions
If the paper weight is too heavy, you can choose something lighter. Who knows, maybe you work in construction and your paper weight is a cinder block, or maybe you’re a baby. Either way, I DON’T GIVE A CRAP! Put your arms up! Now, weight in hand, repeatedly raise and lower your forearm behind your back, like you’re pulling up suspenders. What, you don’t wear suspenders? GOOD! Do 3 reps of 25!
3. Stress Ball Strengthening
I know work has given you a complete meltdown before, which means you’re the proud owner of a stress ball. Probably prescription Xanax too, but you can cry about that later! It’s time to do stress ball strengthening! Squeeze the stress ball in your hand as if you’re holding the starched collar of you boss’ dry cleaned dress shirt, and you’re inches from throwing him out the window! Do 3 reps of 30, or hold for 30 seconds. Don’t throw the ball out the window, FOOL!
4. Swivel Seat Abs
Get your paper weight ready. In an upright, seated position, hold the paper weight in front of you. Use your toes to swivel your chair left while moving the paperweight right. KEEP THOSE ABS AND CALVES TIGHT! Switch and repeat. Do 3 reps of 20. “But Mister Drill Sergeant, my office chair doesn’t swivel!” Hm. I guess the best thing to do is tell you I DON’T GIVE A CRAP!
5. The Ladies Leg Press
It’s really for both men and women, but it’s called the Ladies Leg Press because you cross your legs. “Mister Drill Sergeant, that’s sexist.” Guess what? I DON’T GIVE A CRAP!
While seated, stick your right leg straight out. Then, put your left leg over it, crossing at the ankles. Raise and lower your right leg below the knee, while applying pressure with the left leg. Do 3 reps of 15. Switch and repeat for legs of steel! No. Tungsten! Wait. TITANIUM!
6. Stair Stepping
Get out of your chair! Take the stairs somewhere, like a bathroom. Or, the rooftop. Don’t throw the stress ball off the rooftop, FOOL!
While on the stairs, keep your toes extended and calves tight for 10 seconds. Mississippi seconds, YOU SISSY! “But Mister Drill Sergeant, my building only has elevators because we’re pretentious.” Guess what? Yup. I DON’T GIVE A CRAP! Use a phone book!
7. Airplane Pens
This is a personal favorite of mine. First, grab a pen. If you’re ready to go full force, grab 2 pens. Put them in your hands and extend your arms like an airplane. Hold this position for a full minute, while SLIGHTLY moving your arms up and down. If you get bored, you can pretend the pens are rockets or torpedoes, or that they shoot lasers at approaching enemies. OR YOU CAN GROW UP! Keep going, though, and you will get BIG GUNS!
If you can’t handle the pain, break it up throughout the week:
Machine Gun Monday: Arms (#1, 2, 3, 7)
Washboard Wednesday: Abs (#4)
Fueled Up Friday: Legs (#5,6)
You hate your job, but after 4 weeks of my routine, the job is going to hate you. Why? FEAR. Because one day maybe you will throw the stress ball out the window.
And if you do, I STILL WON’T GIVE A CRAP!