Texts From Last Night

Actually, these aren’t texts. They’re e-mails. And they’re not from last night. They’re from the last two years. And I sent them all while I was completely sober.
Okay, it’s really just a compilation of quotes. You got me.

  • “They were okay until two Asian models showed up in bikinis… with masking tape around their arms?? It got weird.”
  • “Danielle, I have to show you my cape. Remember.”
  • “I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m freee!”
  • “She looks very sexy in her swamp boots, right?”
  • “He and his wife met at a gas station where they were both buying cigarettes. It’s quite possibly the most romantic thing I’ve heard all year.”
  • “I don’t know how she expects to get hired. She spent her lunch break drawing in a coloring book.”
  • “He talks with his hands a lot, but not casually. It’s forced. He makes his hands pointy shovels and then rotates his wrists slowly, like a robot.”
  • “She said ‘Sorry, I don’t want you to think I’m one of those people who goes to the bathroom all the time to send text messages or anything. I just have a really tiny bladder.’ And the receptionist was just like ‘Okay.'”
  • “I spilled gravy on my shirt and pants. Now there’s a gravy blotch on my khakis. Good ‘ol gravy blotch-crotch. That’s what the kids are calling me these days.”
  • “I came out of the bathroom afterwards and he was gazing out the window, icing his lip on a wet napkin. I’m not sure what he was staring at so intently out that window. All you could see was the dirty parking lot and a billboard that read “Freedom” through a gap in the trees. That must have been calling to him.”
  • “The hotel receptionist tried to put my boss and I in the same room!! I almost vomited right there in the lobby.”
  • “I just walked by a  panhandler and he said ‘Hey little mama! How you doin’? You got a chicken breast in your bag pocket? Love you!'”
  • “He tried to tell me that the plants along the street were a cure for cancer. He knew this because he used to be a scientist and has technology in his head. And then he asked for 2 bucks.”
  • “This feels weird. And that’s weird that it feels weird because it’s never felt weird before…. weird.”
  • “His phone rang and he yelled “Hello!” way too loud for the bus. And then he said “Naw, I heard he got locked up! …Yeah. Yeah, they called me yesterday and said the po-lice locked his ass!'”
  • “Blaughhadh! (That’s the sound of me puking.)”
  • “Don’t question my math!”
  • “He comes in with thick, goofy glasses and a pair of suspenders. And I’m standing there greeting him, shaking his hand. He’s small-talking me pretty heavily, and then takes a step closer while we are still shaking hands. I backed up, naturally, and was like “Blah blah blah, nice suspenders.’ He’s like 2o years older than me!”
  • “And then he just, out of nowhere, starts talking about how his wife is addicted to prescription opiates.”
  • “I happened to finish my cereal by the bathroom door, and consequently started washing my dishes in the bathroom sink.”
  • “What could send a stronger signal than staring intently from across the classroom for an uninterrupted full minute? At five minute intervals? For the duration of an hour? It’s weird that he never said anything, right? I thought so too. That’s why I confessed my feelings over AIM. Remember that thing? AOL Instant Messenger?”
  • “And somewhere in my nutcase of a brain, I thought it would be socially acceptable to unplug my printer, walk down the hallway, and bring it into his room to compare them. You know, see if they were the same.”
  • “(To my lab rat sidekick) Confounded them again!! muahaha!”
  • “You will not die a candy death. Puh-lease.”
  • “I’m still waiting for the day it rains men.”
  • “On a happier note, I sang to a pigeon flying alongside me while cycling to work this morning. We had a moment while Norah Jones was playing on my speakers. Sunrise, sunrise pigeon.”
  • “I just tried to put my purse in the refrigerator. I thought it was my sandwich.”
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