Facebook Is Not The Problem

We are the problem.
The following is a list of people who make social media miserable.
—–

1. Overly Obsessed Parents
Childbirth is a miracle. Posting a photo of your baby every half hour is a great way to turn that miracle into a narcissist. I understand you love them, but I’d like you to stop smothering me.

2. Foodies
It’s food, people. Get over it. Your photos make it unappetizing.

3. Beauty Queens
Your album is literally a barrage of selfies and nearly identical group shots. Hand on hip, chin down, slight lean with a big smile- that’s the pose you chose and you’re sticking to it forever. Nobody ever said you had to be a model to act like one, right?

4. Party Boys
Go to the club. Stand next to girls in bikinis. Don’t smile. Hold up a peace sign.
Go to the club. Stand next to drunk girls. Don’t smile. Flip off the camera. Repeat until everyone hates you.

5. Embellishers
Wherever you go, you check-in. Whatever you do, you post it. Whomever you’re with, you tag them. According to you, there’s “never a dull moment” and everything is “so much fun!” If that were true, you probably wouldn’t feel the compulsive need to share it twenty ways with people who don’t give a crap. You’re not fooling anybody.

6. Embarassers
You don’t quite yet understand social media etiquette. I post a new profile picture and you comment “How is your day going?” You uncomfortably mix personal and professional lives, and you assume every photo of me and a baby means it is my baby. It’s not my baby!

7. Newlyweds
From the time you started dating until the honeymoon, your facebook is thick with treacle. Your spouse is “the most incredible person in the world” and you “couldn’t imagine your life without them!” How do I know? Because that’s all you ever freaking talk about! Until the wedding, anyway. And then all you talk about is that.

8. Ranters
No issue is too small for your complaints. Gay marriage, gun control, the amount of salt on pretzels- it’s all wrong. Everything is wrong! And you make sure the entire world knows by shoving heated opinions down our throats.

9. Chatters
I haven’t seen you in five years, but we still chat every now and then on facebook. You’re either drunk or bored. You don’t really care about me and it shows.

10. Spammers
If you post one more sexually explicit advertisement to our group, you’re kicked out. I mean it!

11. Status Hounds
You update facebook on crucial events like arriving to work, going to sleep and what you’re eating for dinner. It’s literally a play-by-play of your daily routine. Life is pretty dull, huh?

12. The Brokenhearted
The profound quotes and lyrics you post are suddenly filled with “deep” meaning. The world must know how much you are hurting! And that was okay the first time, but now you’ve gotten together and broken up five times. For the love of God, move on!

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2 responses to “Facebook Is Not The Problem

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